Happy 4th of July … you lucky idiots!

We stink! It’s official. Bill Gates has told us so … time and time again.

So, carry on. Wave that flag, blast that music, burn those hot dogs, blow your fingers off … and be proud! We’re a special collection of dumb-dorks and we deserve this day!

We so needed Bill Gates to wake us all up. Where would we be without that magnificent genius?

We’re such famous failures and we’re too oblivious to see this with our very own eyes … because we’re such dimwits. The United States has been a sputtering, educational mess dating back to … to our landing on the moon. That was our most mighty failure, alright … really put us in a cultural tail-spin.

Why are so many of us are still here? And why is this miserable, failing nation the most desired destination on the planet? All of which begs certain questions that are never, ever answered by Swami Gates … and the other folks who knock America for sport.

That’s the real mystery. Yup. How has America maintained its premier economic circumstances when we are populated by such poorly educated morons? How is that this nation is ground zero for all sorts of medical innovations … and that people from every continent zoom here for medical treatment? Don’t they know we’re all medical quacks?

Oh! And why are our universities the most desired in the world? And can Guru Gates & Company explain the happy accident why we have the best standard of living the world has ever experienced? Help me out here, will ya?

How is it that our military is the most technologically advanced? And what explains the fact that we produce enough food-stuffs to feed ourselves … and vast portions of the world? Which we do … sometimes very generously.

I’m stumped why we’re almost always the very first on the scene when disaster strikes around the globe. I guess folks are numb to the USA insignia on emergency equipment, food, and supplies. Did I mention the doctors, engineers, and EMT professionals we send as well? No? They wandered there … by accident.

That’s a lot of very, very dumb folks doing some miraculous things.

Now, to our schools.

Something’s wrong, alright. Our public schools don’t behave according to the Common Core observations. Our faculties are some of the most credentialed on the planet. These ghastly public schools lay the foundation that has made America the most recognized Nobel prize producing nation of all-time. No country has ever been so inventive or as innovative as America. None.

We lead in medical and scientific break-throughs … the same for computer technologies … as well as for mechanical innovations of all sorts. We are such lucky blockheads.

These horrific public schools have produced world-renown playwrights, artists, actors, musicians, vocalists, and authors of all sorts. They’ve accidentally graduated admired engineers and architects and urban planners. They’ve yielded ship designers and astronauts … and the vessels they use to speed around space.

We’re all over outer-space … and recently bumped into Pluto. I hope that mistake doesn’t happen again! Can’t stand that sort of national embarrassment.

I hate to mention our political maturity, but the truth hurts. I know we’re extremely basic thinkers according to those gifted Common Core pushers, but what explains the historically non-violent political experience in America?

We don’t lop off the noggins of lousy rulers. Or have a coup every other full moon. Renegade militias don’t roam the country-side burning towns in the name of some religion voodoo. Why would any nations on this planet model themselves after us? Help me out here. We’re the pits. The worse we do, the more they like us.

We’d better do the right thing and ring ’em up with the bad news that … well … we’re appalling role-models. We’re failures. Bill Gates knows it for sure. Tells us all the time.

Dreadful failures! Yeah, that’s us, alright. Extra-stupid … and proud of it! And it’s all because of our schools.

So … Happy 4th of July! Here’s to you, Bill Gates! … and to us! … the luckiest losers in the history of man.

Had enough? Happy 4th! Think rebellion. – Written by the incomperable Denis IanĀ viking

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